PorcelainHearts

Music: Bruised - Jack's Mannequin

Do you know what it's like to feel like a failure? To step out into the battle field and be the first one to get shot. To realize what you had in mind before this diffuses the moment you try doing it. To succumb to the fact that you'll never live up to what you expect yourself to be.

I do.

I am my biggest fear. I am my limiting factor. I wish I had the nerve to put my feelings into words, to be able to possess that flare and exuberance. To able to hold the attention of an audience within my palm, to leave them hanging at every word I articulate.

I was called on to do an impromptu speech today. I figured initially that I could nail it. I should have known better.

I'm sad to profess that I don't. I thought I was able to, but now I know that I don't. When I go up there and face them, all my insecurities take over me. I rush my sentences, stammer and fall all over my phrases, press my clammy hands together and shove them in the pockets of my jeans.

I am a nervous wreck and I'm very good at it.

What gets me the most is knowing that I'm capable of doing better. I had everything in my head. While my lecturer was going on and on about speech theory, I was carefully putting what I was going to say together in my head.

But the outcome was nowhere near what I envisioned it to be. I felt like a total flop. When I took my seat after the 2 minutes, I felt like disappearing before their eyes. I was the worst speaker out of the 3 of us. That was something that never crossed my mind.

I don't know why am I feeling so upset over the entire matter actually. It was supposed to be practice session for most of us and horrible speeches were to be expected.

I suppose it's just me. The standards I set for myself are ridiculous but I continue to live by them. And that is why, I am always in a state of discontentment.

I'm coming into week 3 of college and I'm already feeling so sick of it. I'm tired of fussing over what to wear and walking into cold classrooms, looking at the clean slates of whiteboard. I'm tired of dealing with homework and working up my attention span just so I won't miss out anything the lecturer says. I'm tired of watching trails of cars pass by the empty evening roads while I crane my neck to lookout for a familiar vehicle and shift my feet around impatiently, waiting for my mom.

What tires me the most is knowing that I'll be doing the same thing, everyday. My life is on repeat, like a broken record player.

I apologize for such a dysphoric and melancholic post today. I am indeed low in spirits and feeling rather dejected. But we all have those moments, don't we?

Wishing I was back to places

where there was room for had beens,
Cos right now, everything feels immobile
and there's no time to chance the unseen.