I'm not allowed to feel,
to react or to expect.
I'm not supposed to care,
worry or say sorry.
I have to turn a blind eye,
like it doesn't affect me at all.
The plan was to grow numb.
I will be in due time.
---
I don't know whether I should laugh or cry.
Last night I came home feeling as selfish as ever. I was defensive and protective because lately I've felt as though I had no control over anything in my life. As though, this life itself did not belong to me.
I constantly feel obligated to something, someone. I feel like I'm forever in debt, forever owing someone out there a part of me, as if none of me is purely, wholly mine to keep.
And because of this, be forever succumbed to limitations. I can literally see someone pulling the ropes tighter around me, grasping their hands harder on the foothold they have on me, smothering, choking, suffocating me.
But I'm not supposed to cry, scream or plead for rescue. Because some part of me belongs to them. Because they have the right to bound me under their selfish desires. And me sacrificing myself, is expected--is right.
So I turn to another, in hopes that just maybe, I'm not alone in this. But the only answer I got was the proof that I am wrong.
I fell asleep watching the bright dancing lights play merrily in front of me. The view was fuzzy; they didn't look as pretty. My phone lied still beside me. No voice of consolation or identification. A simple expectation should never have surfaced because none of them can ever be met. It broke me to know that selfishness served the most practicality and protection.
The state was silence, amplifying the knowledge that you are alone and empty.
Note:
Coffee, cigarettes, water, sushi.
Coffee, cigarettes, water, sushi.