sac·ri·fice (săk'rə-fīs'):
Forfeiture of something highly valued for the sake of one considered to have a greater value or claim.
How far would you go? Would you deny yourself for another? Would you succumb to self-misery for the sake of that other person? Would you place them on a pedestal, identifying only with their happiness that would further define yours?
Is it a battle for self-preservation? Or self-realization?
What is it that people dub noble of giving yourself up for another? Can you truly be happy just by fulfilling deeds profitable to another, but not you?
I am trapped in this dilemma. Some days I put them before me, thinking they deserve the best out of me and so I give, whatever I can out of my very own inadequacy, hoping that the littlest of effort I put in would suffice.
Then there are times where in the midst of things, I snap, and think to myself, what have I become if not a mere slave to their dictations. What happened to my life? My goals, dreams and principles I've lived so long for? Do they just vanish simply out of care or love?
My judgments have been clouded and reasoning suffocated by the state I am in. And every day, I pray for answers. Or just an escape.
You have such an advantage over every situation, to a point where I am in caught in despair and helplessness. What do I do other than to just cave in?
I'm sorry to bore you with my mindless, depressing woes that run through my deprived mind. The weekend has been a plague. Spending time at home, staring at the pale blue walls of my room has not done me any good evidently.
I have however started work on applications as far shortlisting goes. As for the summer, I so deeply wish and hope that it will be chance for discovery and excitement. We'll see how things go.
I have created a second blog, where my thoughts are free to roam without me hitting the backspace button for fear of labels and stereotypes. Ask me if you'd like to just browse.