Music: Stay - Sugarland
I'm not going to beat around the bush this time. No metaphors, no analogies. No poems, no songs, no lyrics. No pictures, no art.
Just me. Just going to come clean, Raw, real emotions out on display for the world to read of. I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve today because, I think life has got the worst of me already.
I'm so close to giving up on it entirely.
Within the last 24 hours, I saw my world slowly crumble before my eyes. Bits and pieces chipping off one at a time, and though I try so hard to salvage each and every piece, it's breaking apart ultimately.
I find it so ironic how I was just smiling yesterday, playing cards in the hallway with people I hardly know, walking out of the classroom feeling like a winner. Feeling proud, feeling like for once, I did something right. Sitting in the cinema with a great friend. Laughing, crying in awe of a good movie.
And the moment I came home to you, everything just fell apart. I was frantic, nervous and reckless, putting you ahead of everything else, even my very own life. I was just afraid to keep you waiting, afraid of making you feel like you didn't want to stay. I've always put you first, reminding myself to ensure of your happiness before mine.
Hence, the accident.
I was shaking with trauma, with an overwhelming fear but I had to get a grip of myself and straighten things out again after that. I swallow my pride and pain for you, over and over again.
You think all I'm ever here for is the sex? You think I never really cared. All those times I put up with you, your drama and your antics. All the time I spent listening to you and being there for you. You think it all comes down to something as shallow as that?
Truth be told, yes.
And so last night ended with me in tears, pouring my heart out to someone that has already built his stone walls up high. Someone that has maxed out his utility for me. I only mattered when I could be slotted into his tight schedules. Convenience, and not priority. And there I was, telling him how I would take a bullet for him, but his response was only an incomprehensible mumble out of tiredness.
You killed a part of me when you left.
This morning was filled with high hopes. Hoping to score the same excellence as I had yesterday? I was positive about it. I had something left to fight for, that would actually deliver promising rewards.
But the worst happened and I could not escape it. Something I've been working so hard for fell apart before my eyes. I was forced to plaster a smile and cough out something decent despite my quivering lips and shaking hands. I was a failure today.
Inevitably, my greatest fear caught up with me.
