My mind is too tired to think of profound words and meanings.
Detached thoughts and probably an entry that will make no sense whatsoever.
That's my fair warning.
:)
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I've known what's like to hurt from a young age. Whether it's a bad cut, a mere scrape or cruel words. I also know that all my wounds, hidden or visible never really healed.
I'm not looking for cure. Just looking for a pill, a suppressant or call it whatever you may. Just something, anything, that will numb the pain.
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You can trust a person so much until you find out what they're really made of.
I still remember talking and laughing with the entire lot of you. Mornings and evenings spent together. You were the "gang". My gang.
Was that all fake? What does camaderie even mean to you? Is it a social issue? Is it hanging out with the right person that smoked the same brand of cigarette and would get you into the right clubs to mix the "right" people?
Low.
And to think I actually called you my "friends" once.
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When I came back, I was certain I'd left people behind that I'd miss and I'd reasoned that I'd want to go back for the same purpose. Specifically, you.
As the days grow nearer and plans are moulded into something more concrete than abstract, I realized that history never repeats itself.
I won't be going back to the same summer I once knew. I won't be telling stories of you. Hardly. Maybe you just lasted for that period of time. Like everyone else in my life, you had your own expiration date. And now, your time is up.
Distance is something so real and so hard to overcome. Why don't I know you anymore? 2 months "apart" and suddenly you're a stranger I have to break the ice with all over again? You used to know the exact thing to do to make me smile. And now?
I can't help but tear for what reality is for us right now. Strangers.
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I had a dream about you. For once, I said no.
I woke up with a pumping heart and decided, I'm going to say no every time from now on.
I can list down the things you should've done if you meant every thing you said. But you never did.
Like well rehearsed script, like a trained actor, like the genuine liar you are, you've never meant a single ounce of your words.
You can preach, boast, plead, accuse, sympathize and fool all you want. You can try to elude, confuse, confound but I see right through you.
Just stop all this please.
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Will be getting inked, similar to that.
Definitely soon.
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4 and a half months couldn't be longer.