Obligatory solo shot, no?
Saturdays always feel like a daze to me. In between sleeping in and lazing around my apartment, there are just blotches of thoughts that lie around me and sometimes, I pick them up and shift them around.
There are so many things I could be doing right now. Like taking a shower. Or doing my laundry so I will have some clean underwear. But instead, I am slumped lazily on my bed with the computer resting on my belly, mindlessly typing this entry away.
I feel like I have a lot to say but I don't know how to say it. Don't worry, I will get there. Just be patient.
In 2 weeks, the school year will be over and with it, my first year here at CU. I truly don't know where did time go and how did I even get from being the wide-eyed naive girl that first came here to this person now who eats with a fork and knows how to make burritos and hamburgers.
In so many ways, school has changed me; and also not changed me. Maybe I do speak funny now, with a half accent, with a different slang and jargon. And maybe I dress funny too. Tennis shoes, caps and tights. I listen to completely different types of music now and I watch different television shoes. I have a different sense of humor and I laugh at different jokes. Sometimes even people :)
But there are parts of me that still remain the same. I still love doing what I do, still love learning and writing and I still have this mind that cannot get enough of the world around me. I still essentially have the same principles and beliefs. I'm still the me you knew from back home.
Living abroad and alone has forced me to grow up. From getting my own food to paying my own bills. From working to going to classes to having friends and an active social life. From needing to understand that things aren't the same and that I don't have my same set of homies like I do back home who will sometimes be there at the drop of a hat. I'm always having to need to get my stuff together. Or fail.
Preparing my mind to go home right now honestly feels like a challenge. Yes, of course I miss home but Boulder is starting to resemble a lot like home for me. I like my bed. I like my closet and my bathroom. Going back to Malaysia makes me nervous. What if everything isn't the same anymore? What if friends I have known all my life are now strangers and roads that I used to drive through now feel foreign? This huge transitional point in my life is pivotal yet so filled with uncertainties. Trying to find my footing amidst all the 'what if's' is hard.
I also feel like I owe you readers some form of clarification instead of pathetic attempts at telling my story. So here is my life in the past year condensed:
These are my roommates.
Me, Katie, Briana and Susanna!
Me, Katie, Briana and Susanna!
These are the 3 girls I've been living with for the past year. They are incredible, caring and so beautiful, both inside and out! I hate to admit it that though I am the oldest in the group, I constantly have them looking out for me and taking care of me when I get sick, when I go out and even when I don't do my homework. I love them and I am so blessed to have them in my life. Thank you, girls. I don't know what I'd do without you.
This is the boy I met in September.
One of the first people I met since I first came here other than my amazing roommates would be this kid called Brian. Bringing everything into light, yes, he is the person I get very angry at, very happy about, most often quite sad over too. He's the boy I take that one extra shot for on weekends in hopes that it just wipes him out of my mind for good.
Our spring break trip together.
Unfortunately though, alcohol doesn't work that way. It only leaves you with that god awful headache the next morning. Yuck. I think our relationship as two people is very complicated and very simple at the same time. We care about each other immensely (at least I do!) and I think we're at a point where we're content with what we have, without social pressures or labels. That's the way I want to look at things.
Alpha Chi Omega!
Another part of my life right now would be my sorority. I'm lucky to have them and just knowing I have that large support system available and accessible to me makes me so much more assured that I'll be just fine being in college.
I've also started writing for my school's newspaper called the CU Independent. It's the first time I've ever had the chance to delve into reporting and journalism and I've never been so excited for it. Here's one of my published articles: From Berlin To Cairo
C'est la vie, meaning this is life. It's not much but it's something. I admit to occasionally losing my focus along the way but I've been good at guiding myself back and not lose sight of the things I care about and truly want for myself.
So there you go. A real, long update about how I am here so I don't have to start from scratch when I go home.
I'm basically just another college kid, trying to save the world, one jello shot at a time.