Wishes this was a good life.
This was one of the best weekends I've had in a while.
Friends, family, food and enough fun to be passed around twice over. Looking at the big picture, there are a plenty of things to be happy about and I am happy. I just have to convince myself enough that I am and I will be, right?
I'm sorry if I sound ungrateful. I'm really not trying to give out that feeling but I can't help but let a little bit of my disheartenment out. Sometimes I feel like I'm constantly searching for something that isn't there. That I convince myself so much that this fight is worth it but will really end up futile in the end.
I feel like I'm too broken to even feel anything good anymore.
I woke up this morning and realized I don't know what I'd do if I lost you. I mean, ultimately, I'd just have to suck it up and move on with my life but I've been so privileged to have you over the past year abroad that if I had to go back without you, I'd most likely feel somewhat...incomplete.
I guess in many ways this thought was a good thing. The past month without you here hasn't been as hard as I thought it would be. Maybe it's knowing that I'd eventually go home to you or maybe it's the technology that bridges the distance but none of it is a guarantee that you will be here forever.
I almost wish I didn't do half the things I have already done.
I guess it's just for myself to remember that no matter who I meet or what happens, I have to built something for myself that no one else can take away. Something to call my own and something that never dies. Something that's a 100%, with no room for doubts.