Music: Hush - Automatic Loveletter
It's the shortest day of the year, the winter solstice.
I woke up to the cold, forgetting that I had only put on a thin t-shirt to bed and no socks.
It is somewhat magical. The snow. Winter.
We had a snowstorm overnight and everything is white. Looks like we'll be having a white Christmas after all this year.
The holidays have always made me feel little blue. Alone is not how I ever thought I'd be, especially over Christmas.
It's a rough learning process for me, coming back to Colorado this year. I feel like I've grown up so much in the past 6 months. From literally crawling my way out of a painful relationship to get back on my feet to living with new people. Making new friends and trying to find a new kind of family in a place so far and foreign.
But I've never been known to be a quitter. Not anymore at least. It's hard especially right now but I believe it's all about learning to adapt.
My first mistake was actually getting dependent on Brian as a person despite knowing that you should never depend on anyone but yourself. Look at where Brian is now?
I don't know and I honestly don't want to know.
There's been times where I wished he was still here, in my life but it's never been that way with the both of us. I miss him every day but what I really miss is our friendship.
I've realized that if he doesn't even value that then I see no point in working for it either. I'm learning that people fall out of love as easily as they fall in.
Today however, in the silence of my own apartment and the stillness of the cold outside, I realize that I want nothing to do with relationships or love for a long while. But I do want to fall in love with new places and new people and friends.
Brian is now a thing of my past and I don't see why I need to carry that into my future. I'm accepting that we've always been two very different people and as much as I love the kid to death, I learned that love is never enough.
What's enough is a blanket, a glass of wine and the safe confident comfort that you know you'll always have with yourself.
