Music: -
And so, my spontaneous and extremely realistically unaffordable escapade to the east coast comes to an end with me, sitting at a bar, drinking a really strong bloody mary whilst waiting for my plane back to Colorado.
I don't know if this weekend has fixed me, or changed me at all. I honestly didn't really know what I was looking for when I left the comforts of my home.
Perhaps, a little of me didn't want to feel so alone or independent anymore. Maybe I wanted a change of scene, of people, food, weather and culture. Maybe I just wanted a short break from expectations and deadlines without thinking that I'd have to come back to them eventually.
Maybe it was just in spite of Kevin's trip and how I wanted an adventure of my own, even if means it having it without him.
Every other adventure I have now will be without him, wouldn't it?
I can't help but find myself pathetic from time to time. Despite knowing the truth about the situation, I'm still caught in this foolish predicament of being in love with the wrong person. People just don't get that my heart isn't a dry erase board. I don't just rub a person in and out of it. I can't.
Philadelphia reminded me so much of home. With the company of best friends and silly humor, I felt at home. But also, incredibly out of place, as I've been feeling lately. I feel like I have my feet dipped in two worlds: where I'm from and where I am. It's all so overwhelming and confusing for me because I feel like I'll never fit in, no matter where I am.
Sitting at the edge of this bar in the early hours of the eastern morning, I am the only "chick" hanging out on my computer while men chat over beer, their destinations and their families. It is an interesting ecosystem of interactions, where lines are clearly drawn and boundaries are never overstepped, unless invited into.
I wonder if that was what I've been doing unknowingly. Overstepping my boundaries with my relationship. Wanting so much to fit in somewhere that I end up creating a huge buffer against me and am forced to watch the demise of something I've loved for such a long time.
I need to grow up now and I need to understand what it's like really fully be single. I need to embody the entire concept and be perfectly okay with it. I need to stop learning how to share and stop learning how to care. I need to build my hermit shell again and paint it with bright colors just for the sake of it.
Maybe someday I'll find a town and a person who will love with the same amount of belief and passion as I do. To really fall into an abyss, into uncertainty and splendor. Like Philadelphia, where the town is intertwined with the old and the new. Where glass towers overshadow old houses and cobble-stoned roads. Where cabs zoom past horse-drawn carriages.
Maybe love should be like that. An intricate mix of the old and the new; an entirety and a whole, not as a part. I believe in that and I believe that out of all the people in the world, there will be someone who believes in that too.
Until that day.
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I've seen the pictures and I know you've screwed it up again.
Yes, Brian, you've fucked this one up too.
