Music: Blue Eyes Blue - Eric Clapton
Suddenly, I'm not bitter despite my circumstances. I'm not filled with hatred despite the words being hurled at me before this. I'm not in despair despite stifling so much emotions. I'm not angry despite having so many reasons to be for. I'm not ignorant. I'm not desperate. I'm not sad.
I'm just not.
Does it scare me that I'm starting to not feel anything? A little bit. But what scares me more is the times I lapse in and out of states. A little self-contradictory too.
The scariest thing is to have these images appear so vividly every time I close my eyes. And when I'm not, they're still there in my sub-conscious.
As you can already tell, nothing bares any coherence or sense anymore. I'm just writing for the sake of it. As a mean of escape, letting it out slowly because I need an escape and I don't know anyone or thing else that can be that for me.
Except you.
I went days without speaking to you once. It got harder day by day and I had no idea why. I felt as though there was this weight upon me, and I just really needed to get rid of it because it was so heavy and suffocating. So I punched in your number on impulse, and when you answered, I felt it slowly just melt away. Like it just evaporated and I finally could take one clean breath of air.
That was my reason for calling. You give me that form of comfort somehow. Does that scare you? To be needed for once in your life. Tell me, does it scare you? Does it make you vulnerable? Does it make you responsible?
I think it does because you exhibited discomfort and awkwardness, much to my dismay of course. And then you "made it clear" to me. And again. And again. And multiple times again after that.
I'm not dense, nor am I ignorant. I know what you mean though I may choose not to some days. But it's kinda hard to be oblivious of the facts when it's just staring at you right in the face, isn't it? So please, just stop it. Stop it because I get it. I get it.
Here's my prediction. We'll wind up as strangers, just like we were before. Simplicity at it's level best. Truth be told, it saddens me to the core to know that all I can do is watch. You're so untouchable. I can't just go up to you without having a reason or an excuse anymore.
I'm going to forget your eyes someday, and the way you laugh. Your voice when you're sleepy or when you're persistent in wanting to know something. I'm going to forget your full name and your birth date.
I'm losing you and it's under the pretense of "everything is alright". You're drifting away so effortlessly and that's something I just have to cope with, right?
I wished you were just someone I could detach easily, as easily as you dispose of me. I did make it that easy, didn't I?
