Music: Dream - Priscilla Ahn
#1.
Coming home just before a thunderstorm makes me feel so alive despite having such a tiring day. Hearing the rain from the confines of my room as I type this, gives me this silly feeling of security and oh these smiles that form in intervals. Hiding underneath covers and snuggling under the warmth as nature unleashes it's wrath outside, a perfect marriage of comfort and strength. It is beautiful.
#2.
Today was the last day of my Philosophy class and as a summary, Mrs. S got us all to sum up the entire class in a 3 minute speech. I saw and heard some of my classmates talk about some of the most personal things in life. Their growth, struggles and weaknesses. As we took turns saying how the class had impacted us, I couldn't help but choke back a tear. This class has been different because I didn't take it with the intention of getting an A. I took it purely for myself. For knowledge. For personal growth.
I think to a lot of extent that's how education should be. It should never be about the grades. It should be gained for self-interests. The want to grow as a person. The spirit of curiosity. The thirst for knowledge. About growing up, about maturing.
I have no regrets stepping into that class. It has made me think about so many things in life. Things that I dare not even fathom exist, or not exist. Things that before, I did not doubt. It has helped me find some form of footing in this crazy, uncontrollable ride we call life.
I'll miss it. I'll miss the way we argue. The way ideas flowed from every aspect. The ability for our minds to explore and to imagine. The way nothing is wrong, or right. The chance for anything to happen. When we take our seats in that class, it was like being transported into another world. Another reality where sometimes, things that don't make sense, made the most sense and truth.
It was a great escape.
#3.
I stepped into the bar for the very last time today. Clocked in for the last time. Put on that bright green apron and tucked the loose strands of my hair into my cap. Greeted my co-workers with the same enthusiasm I was taught to.
It hasn't exactly sunk in yet, this feeling of leaving the place that has now grown to be my second home. It hasn't hit me hard enough to realize I won't be a part of this amazing, loving and caring community we have together.
We had a common ground, chatting over coffees from all over the world, bitching about certain things we disliked, like how hard it is to make a perfect cappuccino or how annoying it is to serve some people that step into the store. So many personalities to meet and collide under one roof. It's incredible just thinking about it. These people you work with are not only your mere colleagues. They become a kind of family.
Sometimes, they're just there for you, whether you notice it or not.
#4.
Ice-cream with Cheryl, Michelle and Yuan Wei. A great reminisce of the past. How we drank beer in the park under the rain in our formal wear. How we stayed for lunch until 5 in the evening. How we drank more beer in Cheryl's tv room and had a blast ruining her pillow. How fast we bonded and how unnoticeable the strength of those bonds became.
I'll remember nights spent in each others company, whether it was out painting the town red or talking in whispers in the dark with eyes that were drowsy with sleep. Our friendship, despite the 4 of us being so different, was something I felt so privileged to have experienced. Yuan Wei, Michelle, Cheryl and Adelina. We were like colors in a Trix cereal box. Starkly different but so colorful together. It couldn't have been better, my time here in ADP with them.
I miss you guys already.
#5.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do from this point onward. It's like another phase in my life. Life. What does that even mean? I am sure of nothing today. There are things that are just meant to be uncertain and I'm not afraid to admit that I have no direction as of now.
Some days, I want to be a journalist, reporting 5 feet away from a war in the Middle East. Another day, I want to be a humanitarian. A social worker, distributing penicillin and antibiotics to children in Africa. Then, there are times, when I want to come back here to this country and spark some kind of change. I want to be a politician, rallying for education and for the growth of knowledge in young minds. I want to create visionaries for a country that has so much potential. Then there are days where I just want to leave everything behind, pack some books with me and live in a cabin somewhere far away, in my little world, completely alone and isolated from this ugly place.
Where do I go from here?
#6.
I teared writing this. So many things have been plaguing my mind. The struggle to deal with betrayal, to deal with change, acceptance as well as letting go.
Deep down, it still hurts.
#7.
Sometimes, it's easier to just smile. It's not all that bad. So, smile; it helps :)
