I finally had some fun over the weekend.
For those of you who don't know, my days and weeks consist of me doing nothing but hurriedly shifting in between classes, having choir practice 4 days a week, going to work 12 hours a week and then coming home to tons of readings, homework and research papers.
I feel like I don't have a life here. And I feel like if I were to have a life, I would start failing tremendously in my classes. Can I afford that? No. Metaphorically and literally speaking, no I cannot afford that.
I feel as if all my life, all I ever is try to prove myself to other people. It's always about "selling" yourself like you're a brand. In interviews, people ask me, why should I hire you? What do you have that makes you standout? In application papers and scholarships, people ask me, why do you think you deserve this in your life? Why should I grant you all this? Why...YOU?
Can I just say that the world was constructed with so much injustice that people lose rather than win all the time. The system has too many loopholes and people like you-- people that have the money build it to benefit yourselves even more-- make it that much harder for others to win. Unfortunately, I'm one of the many kids in the world that was not born with a silver spoon in my mouth. I'm growing and I have to learn things the hard way. That everything I do has to be paired with blood, sweat and tears in order for me to deserve it.
So you know why I deserve that job? You wanna know why I deserve that scholarship? It's because I know what it's like to literally work to survive. To put my priorities in reality above teenage crimes and because of that, probably losing my entire youth to it. Because I have responsibilities on my shoulders bigger than myself. Because all my life, I've just lived to prove myself to others. I've lived not for me, but for YOU.
And so the past weekend was like a breathe of fresh air for me. My roommate and I, along with her friend had an amazing brunch of pancakes and waffles and lots of cups of coffee. We had silly conversations and deep discussions about everything under the sun and we sat in that booth for a good 3 hours at least.
Then we fooled around in departmental stores and had scary car rides before coming home to the game at our very own Folsom field. Needless to say, WE WON and the game was so much fun!
Jordan, Katie, me, Briana and Abbi
WE BLACK OUT!
Number 54 with blood on his shirt!
Football players are huge.
And now, I'm back to reality. Sitting on the couch, battling a million and one emotions and trying to focus on my priorities. Trying not to lose sight on things I cannot afford to burn.
The truth is, it's hard and I just wished there was someone who could even understand a fraction of what I really mean. But there isn't and I'm alone.
And I have to grapple with everything that's surmounting all by myself; as I've always had.