I've been having a ton of smiles lately. The kind that comes from the inside and plasters obnoxiously across your entire face, making your eyes sparkle. Sometimes, it could result in a little shortness of breath and random bursts of giggles or squeals, depending on the extent it gets on that particular day but most of the time, it's somewhere in between, making you sound even more like a bigger idiot.
I love being in love.
But only for that 20 minutes, where everything resembles a bad Hollywood romantic comedy, that it is good. The other times, it's somewhat miserable.
I'm quite possibly the easiest person to lie to. The easiest person to cheat on. You could tell me Santa was real through a really good made up argument and I'd eat it all up. I'm just really easy, you know?
That's why I've been having a lot smiles lately. Because I feel the happiest when I walk you to the door with a hug and small kiss as a send off. I feel really happy when we sit in the diner, splitting one meal because we're both extremely poor college students and can only afford one entree (no, really.) Because I feel happy when I'm resting my head on your shoulder whilst watching ridiculous YouTube videos.
It's the tiniest things that make me happy, which also makes me easy.
Because this means, you can ditch me for the weekend to go snowboarding with your "brothers" and only having to ask me out again for me to feel happy. Because it means, you can not talk to me for extended periods of time and then randomly just appear pretending the 2 weeks of silence didn't come between us. Because this means, I'll be here, just waiting here for the next time you'll leave me a drunk voice mail. Waiting for the next time you'd wanna show me your clean apartment. I'll be here for you to step all over me and I'll overlook it because I hold to the tiny things, the tiny brief moments that we have together that make me feel happy.
But the scale is slowly tipping and I don't want to relive the past 2 years I've had. I'm done building myself up on insignificant memories that eventually falls apart once the hurt creeps in and wraps around your heart like thorny vines.
Yet, at the same time, I want that smile to stay. That smile I get when you give me the last mushroom on your plate (aw!). The smile I get when you pick out movies I like to watch. The smile that grows when your name rolls off the tip of my tongue.
Which do I pick: the devil or the deep blue sea?