Music: You and I - Ingrid Michaelson
Every time I think I'm getting better, I relapse and fall back into a state of uncontrollable insanity.
It's funny the things we do and the kind of person we became when we're faced with desperation and a helpless sense of wanting. I wanted it to work out so badly for the both of us that I completely ignored some of the obvious facts that were just screaming in my face.
Deep down somewhere in me though, I knew it wasn't right. And I know it's cliche when people say "you just know it" when it's right but I really strongly believe in it. I mean I guess even if you don't know it's right, you'll know when something's amiss and it doesn't make you feel the way you're supposed to.
I was such a mess last night. From the vodka to the shots of tequila, it brought out the worst in me. It's funny how much control I want in my life and for my body but drinking (as much as I love it) just relinquishes me of all that power. Or any power at all.
I feel like I'm having an outer body experience right now. From trying to piece together the night, to getting over the fact that I dented my precious cellphone in several places (ouch!), to living in this new reality of mine where circumstances have shifted and things aren't the way they used to be anymore.
I almost feel like burying myself in the dark cos the light hurts my eyes and just cry my heart out, as if last night's tears did not suffice. Have they ever sufficed though? I wonder how my body's able to churn out all this energy to be sad. I'm tired.
I wish I knew how to cope with losses and hurt in a much easier and mature way. I wish I wasn't this huge blurb of brokenness-- a pathetic waste of space. A mass of insecurities just walking around playing pretend that everything's golden. I wish I didn't have to hurt.
But I know that these red eyes will be here for a while and the sharp saltiness from my tears will continue to linger on in my mouth. I know that perpetual, continuous ache will swell every now and then and I will lose all forms of control.
I know you look at me and feel sorry for me. I know. I'm sorry for me too. Sometimes I wonder if dying would be the easier route. I mean, how much worse can it get? You just end up being plant food and that's somewhat of a service to the world. It's better than where I am right now.
I'm so...tired of fighting.
