Music: For The First Time - The Script
It's a weird time for me as I step closer to growing up.
The big 2-1.
I know they've said that age was just a number but it doesn't feel that way to me. I literally feel like I'm losing my youth and I feel that carefree spirit slowly draining out of me. I feel like the time for mistakes are long gone and any error you incur now will bring heavy, if not deadly, consequences.
I cannot fail. It's not even option right now. I just can't disappoint anymore.
Sometimes people tell me I'm being too hard on myself. They tell me to let loose and breathe a little. It's tempting but it comes at an expense and I'm the one that lives with it. Not them.
I have to admit however that I have lost focus in the past couple of months. I came to America with a drive and passion so strong it eventually burned me out. It's tough sustaining yourself and trying to live up to the expectations you have set for yourself.
I've never been a quitter and I refuse to succumb to that now.
There is no stability in my life right now and it's making me weary. The days past me by and I wake up every morning without a sense of purpose or meaning. I need something, anything, to accomplish once again.
I called this person at 3 in the morning last night and we ended up talking until I couldn't string a coherent sentence together anymore. I know I've made some poor choices in my life but I've always known you were never a mistake. I don't expect anybody to understand and yes, I expect them to judge but what we had (or maybe even have) just felt so easy. Last night was effortless and simple. I've missed that; how you were like second nature and how we would never run out of things to say to each other. We just ran out of time.
Being with you feels like a constant competition against myself. I feel like I have to continuously prove myself worthy to you because it makes me feel rotten inside when I don't have anything spectacular to say to you in the morning. I wish I had more things to make you feel proud of. Like I said, I can't afford to be letting anyone else down anymore.
Sometimes I let you get to me and think that maybe you're right. Maybe I'm not good enough and there's this deep fear inside me that surfaces and makes me believe that I will never be good enough. There will always be a better choice and so I can't even blame you for picking what's best for you.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I've always been trying and I don't know if that's what a relationship is supposed to be like. Us constantly trying to make things work or were we just supposed to fit naturally. Because I feel like I've been putting myself out there, wearing my heart on my sleeve and losing a part of myself just to be what you want. Is there really nothing about me that you like?
If only I had the guts to tell you how I felt and how hard it is for me to cope and be optimistic about things. I wake up with insecurities. Knowing that today could be day for you to say that you're done settling with my mediocrity and opting for something, someone, more special.
Every day's a gamble and there's always that percentage for loss, isn't there? We're not a sure bet and there's no guarantee. I could always be the loser again.
EDIT:
Am currently obsessed with losing 20lbs. If you have tips/tricks, fill me in!
