Music: Just A Kiss - Lady Antebellum
I've decided to take the bold step of updating my status on Facebook for all my 923 friends to see.
Hi, my name is Adelina and I am single.
I'm realizing that every waking moment that I spend missing him is another moment for me to grow up. Kevin is somewhere, out there, doing sedentary regular things, like eating a pizza, drinking soda, texting a person, commenting on a Facebook post, laughing at a funny YouTube clip and I am here, in my apartment, with my computer, with my thoughts, with my music, with the things that have made me who I am.
This break up has been a bigger journey of self-discovery much more than self-healing.
I've never hated Kevin for anything. I've never resented his decisions, albeit selfish at times, he is as much of a person as I am and maybe he has some growing up to do too. Kevin has been wonderful and more often than not, very patient with me.
Maybe this break up had to come for the sake of both our sanities. We drove each other crazy. He could not stand my emotional needs and I couldn't understand his emotional detachment. He hated how impolite and casual I was with certain things and I hated how picky he was with other things. He didn't even really liked my cats back home...
But that's not the point. The point is I'm trying to see the light in this break up and I'm trying to come to terms with it. I'm trying to form some reasonable explanation for my friends instead of telling them how much of a douche he was.
I'm going to say, Kevin and I broke up because we were at different points of our lives. I never doubted his love for me, ever, but sometimes, love isn't enough to carry you through the storm. I needed a lot more out of him than he could give and it was at a point where I wasn't being fair to him any longer.
In many ways, Kevin saved us and me. He saved me from turning into the monster I could be when I was blinded and obsessed with the idea of us.
That's it.
Maybe that was what it along for me. I was in love with the idea of us. Boy, it was such a good idea. I wanted a boyfriend so badly because girls with boyfriends were just cool. They would always have flowers on Valentines day, they would always have an arm around their waist in pictures and they would always have a person to come home to.
I'm letting go of that notion completely and I'm going to start this new thing called being single. I'm 21, living in a beautiful town with the world at my fingertips and I'm not going to relive my mistakes. I came here a year ago, escaping my past from home, with hopes that I would find love in a far away land and thinking that once I had that, everything else will fall into place.
And I did find love. I found Kevin and I've felt love from another person in a way that I've never had. I'm not claiming to say that what we had was perfect but the time I had with him has opened my eyes to a whole other possibility.
Maybe, I could have more than this.
A half hour ago, I was tempted to text a person that I had no interest in whatsoever to come over and ease my pathetic lonely self. After sitting down and writing this, I realized that it wouldn't be fair to either of us. I am still in love with Kevin but I'm not going to chase it. I'm not gonna trap it, steal it, play tricks on it or hide it.
I'm going to admit that I still love him and I don't know how long I will continue to love him. Maybe for a week. A month. 6 months. 6 years. I honestly don't know and I don't care. That's the beauty of it. I'm not gonna worry about the future or obsess over the past. I'm living in the present and right now, my head is a little lightheaded from the glasses of wine I've consumed and I have an entire book to read for my class tomorrow but I'm a lot better than where I first started out.
And that was step 1. Acceptance.
