Music: Desert Rain - Edward Maya ft. Vika Jigulina
I came home from a fulfilling day.
I had scrubbed my kitchen floor clean, did all the dishes, wiped down the counter tops and made myself a decent lunch with enough leftovers to last the rest of the week.
All that was left was to attend to my pending articles that were closely approaching their deadlines. And obviously, knowing me, I only work best under pressure.
Earlier in the night, I had the great chance to attend a talk by Jim Voss, a former astronaut who lived 6 months on the International Space Station. It was nothing short of inspiring and for that 2 hours, I got to unleash the inner geek in me.
We talked about life in space, missions, expeditions and achievements. It was eye-opening and definitely enlightening.
It's so surreal for me to be camping, looking up at the velvet skies and imagine that there are actually people living above us, looking down on Earth, through the clouds and the atmosphere, floating around and trying to get by life.
I also came home to news of Troy Davis' execution that just happened.
It picked a little string in my heart to think of it. I've never really taken a strong stance on how I feel about the death punishment but I know that we cannot be more justified of executing a man than of us murdering a person.
Essentially, it's the same thing to me. Who are we to play God?
In the first few weeks of me breaking up with Kevin, I felt like the world centered around me. I felt like the ultimate victim and that I deserved all the sympathy AND empathy I could get. I couldn't see past myself. I couldn't see how self-harm would bring about any good to me than it would anyone else.
Looking back at myself now, I am thoroughly disgusted at my level of immaturity. There I was thinking I had my life figured out, thinking I had my future in control, thinking that this man beside would be there through the good and bad. I was so over-confident in so many aspects of my life that it crushed me to the core when everything came tumbling down.
Kevin left. I had missed an entire week of classes. I quit my job. I don't remember a time I was sober in that week and I hadn't worn make up in days. I was a mess on so many levels and I only had myself to blame.
Today while reading the last pages of Oedipus by Sophocles, we struggled with the concept of wisdom. What is it and how we really obtain it?
We debated and argued and pulled dialogues apart, trying to grasp a concrete of sense of what it really meant.
By the end of the hour, I came to the conclusion that wisdom is really not knowing. The simple acceptance of the fact that we are human and that we err constantly is more than a person claiming to have knowledge. Just like Socrates said it is. Ditto bud.
And so, I comply and I am going to relinquish control over things in my life. I awoke today with the same feeling as I do every morning ever since Kevin and I broke up. Like routine, I check my phone. And then I turn my computer because I admittedly, I still hope.
But I have to say, it's getting easier each morning to take a deep breath and figure out what to wear and how I should do my make up for the day because I know there are things bigger than me. Things bigger than Kevin and I.
Things like Davis' death. Things like our world and people that have came and gone before us. Things like our universe and how minute we are.
It'll fall into place. Be it with him or without. I'll find my place in this huge world. I've just gotta take heed and have faith and things will work themselves out.
One more breath and one more day. One step at a time.
