Music: -
The days are long and sometimes, they seem to go on forever but it's been getting better.
It always gets better.
I've been re-reading my posts from the past and unearthing things that don't belong to me and they strike a chord deep inside of me. Here lies a person I once knew and loved so much.
Note the past tenses used in my sentence. Past.
It's been a struggle going through this alone, where nobody can even fathom the way you feel inside. They only offer sympathy and sorries, almost as if they were thinking how lucky it is to not be me right now.
I agree. Things haven't been as easy as they used to be and I'm slowly accepting it. A part of me has grown numb to the beatings that life gives you and right now, I just take them and try to learn from mistakes in the past.
The night he walked with me down to the bench by the lake was cold. Winds were strong and thunder could be heard from afar. I almost felt like God was trying to give me a sign that it was going to be one of the hardest nights of my life. When he talked to me, it was like talking to a stranger. He stared at the ground and said the words almost automatically, like he had been practicing for a long long time just so he can execute them perfectly.
I tried crying but nothing came out. I wanted to believe that it was a dream but it was very much my reality and I still remember it as vividly as ever. I ended up walking alone at home that night, my mind racing and my heart beating as hard as it could. I was surprised I could still breathe at that point. I felt sick to my stomach so I stopped and threw up behind a bush. I sat in the bus and walked home in a blur.
My roommates were sitting in the living room when I got home and I took 6 shots of rum within 20 minutes. I wanted something, anything, to get me away from my world. And then I called him and said I was about to kill myself. No matter what I said or did, how I begged or pleaded, he was the same person on the bench that I talked to.
I walked into the kitchen and pressed the cold metal against my skin. I had never found myself in that position in my life. When the pressure resulted in hot sting, I instantly regretted it. He looked at me with disgust and fear. When I needed someone there the most, he ran out and no matter how much I screamed or chased him, he only ran further.
I found myself mumbling a series of different words: his name, God, my mom and help. I had never felt so alone in my life. My body was tired from the things I had done to it and my mind could not process anything else.
And then I don't remember anything else except waking up next to him, but not as a person I love, just as another body. I stared at his back, watched him sleep and wondered how I got through the night. For a second, I wanted to scream out of fear for this stranger next to me but he stirred, rubbed his eyes open and shot the coldest look at me.
When he left, I cried. I cried til I couldn't breathe. I cried until my room was a blur. I cried until I was voiceless, cried until my fists hurt from clutching my sheets, cried until I couldn't stand.
Sometimes, you meet people that walk into your life and leave an impression so deep you feel like you've lost a part of yourself to them when they leave. Brian brought out the best and worst in me.
But Brian is just another story for me to tell. He doesn't live on in my life and I don't know how many people actually will.
