Uncovered some pictures from my computer that was not the best.
Went through my Skype history and wondered where and when did everything start to fall apart? Has it always been that dysfunctional but I just chose to ignore it?
It's weird how I've always been a huge skeptic out of so many things in my life but this one thing, I was actually kind of hopeful for. It just turned out to be a huge letdown and I really can't blame anyone else but myself for having that much of expectations for it.
There was once a time where we were both linked by immense happiness and genuine care for each other and I wonder how did a connection like that burn out as quickly as it formed. Maybe it was all a figment of my imagination and I blew it all out of proportion? Maybe I wanted to believe that we were "good".
Despite all that has been said and done, I still have a hard time grappling with the fact that maybe this time, we're...done. I've always let it slide and assume that someday he'll be back but it doesn't feel like it at all this time.
It feels cold and harsh, like he was made of stone. Like my pleas and tears could not soften him. I used to love his blue eyes that shone so bright but that night, they looked stern and sharp. His mind was made up. I tried to run, hoping he would chase but he let me walk away and every step I took further from him only killed me inside knowing that that separation was permanent.
It's getting better every day but will it ever be the same as it used to be? I cut up pictures and returned the little objects in my life that remind me of him. It's almost like a part of him was in each and every item and I boxed it up carefully to be sure that I don't break them. Still, the thought of him lives vivid in my mind and sometimes I feel like nothing I do will ever erase him for my life. I can't learn to un-memorize the way he said my name or his side profile when he drives. I can't erase the way he laughs or the way he cries or the way he bites his bottom lip.
Maybe in a different time and life and space, we would have it "good". We'd live in a world where the details would be our bigger picture. Some people are meant to fall in love with each other, but not meant to be together.
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I don't know how distant this was for you. Can you believe this was just about 2 months ago? How time flies and how things changed, hasn't it?
I used to think that it was such a horrible feeling being so far away from you but right now, if distance would make you miss me, I would gladly do it all over again.
I don't think I'll ever fully know how much you valued me as person and if you really did loved me. Maybe the feeling for you was fleeting and spontaneous, just like how you were as a person and I don't blame you for it.
But I'm hoping you hold the memories and remember me as the girl that loved you too fast at the wrong time. That would be my biggest vice and I wished I could learn how not to care too much.
There will be little reminders of you in my life and every once in a while I will snap to think about how you are and where you are. Whatever it may be, I pray them be only good things.