Music: Skyscraper - Demi Lovato
During the final weeks of our relationship, Kevin and I had gotten into, yet again, one of our notorious fights.
I had been incredibly stressed out with recruitment week over at the sorority and moving in to my new apartment, which was unfurnished. I had my old roommate, Briana, to help me move my things that was sitting in her apartment over the summer to my new place and I had wanted Kevin to be there too, to help.
It was only a few days ago that I had broken down due to the incredible stress of the week in front of him and it felt so good to be in his arms and hear his calm voice, reassuring me that I will get through this.
On that move-in day, I had tried getting a hold of him the entire morning and he finally returns my call at about noon. I was furious and disappointed at how unavailable he was just there for me a couple of nights ago. I didn't understand how busy he was. And even if he was busy, he should've been able to make time for me.
I threatened him over the phone and said that if he wasn't here in the next hour, our relationship would be over.
When he did show up, I didn't even want to look at him while he was there, trying so hard to make me feel better. My anger had consumed me and I took it out on him, unjustly.
The air was tense as the both of us were clearly unhappy. Kevin broke down later that day and told me how I could have done that to him. How I could've put our relationship at stake and put him in such a difficult position. I watched him sit in the corner of my empty room, broken-hearted at my actions and suffering so much pain from my selfish words.
I am trying so hard to find the light in this break up. Some day, I wish I could just blame myself for everything. Maybe I was never a good partner in this relationship and that he deserved so much more than me. I want to believe that I could never hurt the person I love but at the end of things, I realize they're the ones I end up hurting the most.
I always think that if you love someone, you will never let them go. That's why I run because I expect to be chased. I walk away because I expect to be followed.
It's been a month since I walked away from him in his back alley. He didn't come after me. You grow up and you realize not everyone is going to come after you. Sometimes, patience wears thin and there comes a point where they can't keep up with you anymore.
Maybe if you really love someone, you will let them go.
---
It was one of those nights where the dreams you had were so vivid and real.
It was me and you, running through the buildings on campus, with no real purpose. We were just running. We weren't running away from or to anything, but our hands were together and you were leading and we were just happy with the winds in our hair.
---
I would give anything to have you back in my life.
---
I miss you so much and I'm trying but it feels like I'm fighting a losing battle. I know you expect a lot more from me. I know you expect me to give you that space and be strong without you but somedays, I just feel like caving in and giving up.
The truth is, I don't go a day without having you cross my mind. Without wondering how things would be like if you were still here with me.
And I want to apologize in advance if I give up completely. I don't think I can carry this burden on my own any longer and I'm so sorry for disappointing you again.
