Music: -
Sitting at a table in the middle of one of the buildings on campus, I waited anxiously. I wondered what he would be wearing today. That cap for sure.
Every time the door swung open, my heart skipped a beat.
No that wasn't him.
Of course it wasn't because he came from behind and took me by surprise.
It was a green shirt and I'm taking all these mental pictures of the situation because everything else I've had of him from the past, I'm slowly returning and they're slowly fading.
We talked about superficial things. How your weekend has been, how are classes. Things we both know to say, things that are detached, things that are safe.
I wanted him to know that all I wanted to do was reach over and hold his hand. I wanted to ask if he would wanna grab some lunch together later and walk through campus since it was gonna be such a beautiful day outside.
But all I did was smile and listened to what he had to say because admittedly, I still wanted that little bit of access into his life.
He asked for a hug before he left and I knew that would kill me. But I complied. Stepping into his arms felt like second nature and I buried my face in his shoulders, catching his cologne. For a moment there, time stood still. I didn't even want to fathom letting go.
And then he stepped back. It ended as fast as it began.
When he walked away, I looked for an empty classroom and cried.
---
I awoke roughly last night, after a long night of disturbing dreams. Of him, and my family and friends. I don't remember what it was about but my heart was racing and I silently cursed in the dark because I needed the sleep.
I glanced and the red glow in the dark read 4:12 a.m.
I checked my phone. Maybe I would've had a missed call. A text message. Any sign from him showing that he's been maybe thinking of or missing me as much as I've been him.
Nothing. Duh.
I turned on the computer, my brain still foggy from the colors of my dream and body exhausted from the weekend. I wasn't really sure what I was looking for in the early hours of the morning. Maybe some company, a familiar face or voice?
Instead I was greeted by a total stranger, with a kind note to the troubles I've been struggling with lately. And to that stranger, I just wanted to say thank you. I don't know where you're from, where you've been or where you're going, but with the tiny little effort of reaching out, and trying to make me feel like I'm not alone in this, it's gotten me through the day.
I'm taking baby steps and I'm praying I come out of this alive.
