Music: -
I've found myself in countless situations where I just want to slap myself in the face or make someone kick me so hard it knocks reality entirely out of me.
Not saying I'm proud of it at all but it's making the cut to being blogged about.
My mom has always told me to make decisions but not any where you'd end up regretting for life because some mistakes are too expensive to be made and at this point, you know I have no means of affording any of it.
But in the past couple of months, I've found myself making some of the poorest choices in my life and sometimes, I try to fix them only to watch them crumble and the cold realization hit me like an 18-wheeler.
In the first few days of the break up, I was very convinced that he made one of the worst decisions of his life. Come on, who in the right mind would let me go? I loved him and that was all that mattered. Who cares what people thought of us? In my head, we were perfect and completely adorbs! Our chemistry was so intense. He made me laugh and I did the same. We shared the same stupid sense of humor and we cared for each other so much.
It's too bad the universe didn't revolve around just the two of us, does it?
My world crashed into pieces the day we snapped out of our stupid naive fantasy. Young love; so alive and at the same time, so destructive. What was I thinking when I decided to let all my guards down and dive head first into this? I wasn't thinking. I was wrapped up in exhilaration. Like a drug that gave you the highest high you've ever known.
And what happens when you get off that high?
You suffer withdrawals of the worst kind. You shake and stammer. Cry and scream. Delirium kicks in and more often than not, you don't realize the gravity of the situation. Of the words you carry and the consequences that ensues.
I was addicted to our love. Be it real or a mere figment of my imagination, I was hooked. And that was my biggest regret. Losing myself in the process, to this other person who held my heart so precariously.
I'm still paying the price, expensively. I should've listened because I've lost a lot more of myself now than when I was in it. I ended up hurting myself more than I know it. I hurt him too but more importantly, the people around me, who constantly fussed and felt the need to know that I'm alright.
I'm not, guys. I'm not. I'm broken and messed up and confused and more often than not, helpless. Somedays I feel so lost, I don't know where to begin again. If I can ever begin again. I've been trying to keep busy but the night and darkness has a funny way of reminding you what the state of your life really is.
I miss him incredibly and I wished that things didn't turn to dust that quickly.
We burned bright; and then we burned out.