"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."
I've been beating myself up for the past couple days after my recent but not as pleasant meet up with him.
For some obscure reason, I've been keeping track of the number of days since we broke up and we're one week shy of 2 months now.
It feels like a lot longer though.
Anyway, I decided last week that my mind could not take not hearing from him any longer and I thought maybe a casual drink will help clear the air a little bit. Plus, I missed having a 21-year-old to drink with instead of out of control minors.
It was a chilly night but that didn't deter college kids from filling the bars and spilling onto streets and alleyways.
He was unhappy at the fact that he agreed to meeting up with me. Clearly, he would have done anything to get out of the situation and I felt guilty for pestering him to seeing me.
Why would he have any desire in seeing me? Why would he want to even have anything to do with me? Why would he even stomach the thought of sitting across from me to have a drink and have casual conversations about the weather and life?
He doesn't and he's made it evident multiple times. And I don't blame him because I'm admitting it to myself now that I've more than messed up. I've fucked up and I know it. Maybe I don't deserve that much grace from him or patience or another second chance and I'm accepting it.
I could never understand how I was capable of hurting the person I love but reflecting on the past now, I did. And surprisingly to me, to a degree much deeper than I thought it would be. I regret it. I regret at how much I took our relationship for granted and how immature I was about everything.
But I can't keep going to bed with the guilt that's eating me up alive. I can't keep revisiting the past and going over our mistakes and downfalls and reliving moments that were hurtful. I lapse from reminiscing on the good times and the times where we were bitter with tears at each other.
I am so sorry. And I know these are mere words but if you could cut me open and see how much it meant, then you would realize that I would do anything in my power to change things.
But I can't be angry at myself forever and I've realized that I am gonna fuck up more times than this in my life. Because you know what? I'm human and I make mistakes. So many mistakes, sometimes even the same ones twice. I am going to fall on my face a dozen times, I am going to say stupid things and I'm going to make rash decisions.
And if you can't handle that, if you can't accept imperfections, and if you can't stand me in sweatpants, then you sure as hell don't deserve me in a white dress.