Forcing laughter, faking smiles.
I really want to keep it together, especially now. ESPECIALLY now.
But, you are making it extremely hard for me.
What did I say about staying away, hm? What did I say about us doing our own thing and you just keeping your distance for a while.
I mean it when I said I can't function with you by me. I can't study much less tutor you, but most of all, I can't pretend.
I can't pretend that I didn't have fun spending that afternoon with you. I can't pretend that I didn't like sitting outside, when the weather was so nice and it was just you and me on that bench. I can't pretend that my laughs weren't genuine. And I can't pretend that I was still incredibly attracted to you.
Can you?
Can you tell me that you had a horrible time with me that afternoon? Can you tell me you faked all your laughter? And can you tell me you didn't look at me that way without meaning anything else?
You can't.
The truth is, we're both holding back all we have. You're holding back because you're still holding resentments against me. You're still angry at me for the summer. You're angry, not because I had wronged you in the relationship, but because you were in a relationship with me.
You never wanted it. Almost like an unwanted child. You got into it because you were consumed with guilt. And that, you're angry at me for that too.
You're angry at me because I loved you a little too much. Because I gave in, a little too much. Because I was patient more often than not.
But you cannot deny the chemistry we've always had. You cannot fake the times I've made you laugh too. And as much as you want to run away from it, you can't. When we're sitting side by side and talking about graphs and numbers, you cannot ignore the cold hard fact that once, you and I were not just reduced to a mediocre pair.
Once, we were two so different people brought together by something. You know, I could name a million different things about why we're not compatible and not good for each other. But when it's just you and me in the room, those things don't matter, do they?
I want you to tell me that afternoon didn't matter. Tell me the summer didn't matter. Tell me spring break was stupid and that you were just using me for my money. Tell me the nights I laid on your chest and watched South Park with you were the biggest annoyance to you.
Cos you know what. I am so sick and so tired of your indecision. I am so sick of playing these fucked up games with you. I am done with things being on your terms. You only talk to me at you're convenience and I am at your disposable.
The truth is we can't "just be friends". We both know that, so I say, stop pretending. Stop playing games. Stop flirting. And stop trying.
That's a memo to me too.