Music: -
I don't know what I am still caught up in.
I don't know if my persistence in this relationship that has long ended will do me any good in the end. Or is it just some foolish wishful thinking that I have wrapped up in my head.
Sometimes, I put on that extra bit of make up when I know I am going to "bump" into him during a study session. Sometimes, I skip a lot of meals before a night out when I know I'm going to be at the same party as he is.
Sometimes, I wish he would see me and have the smallest regret that he missed out by letting me go.
But I know he doesn't need me and I'm not sure if anyone really ever has.
Sometimes I say certain things or ask him certain questions that will remind him of us and I wonder if that had ever meant anything to him. Or was I just a phase.
Sometimes I wonder what was he thinking when he asked me to be his girlfriend over Skype. Did he know what he was getting himself into when the last thing he wanted was commitment and love?
Sometimes I don't know if he realizes the way I feel inside whenever I'm around him. How I don't want to move too close, how I can't look at him in the eyes when I talk to him, how I fake smiles and how much I just want to reach over to grasp his hands.
There's this invisible wall between us and I'm forcing myself to stay within the boundaries because things have changed. I think people grow up and change and so much already has within 4 months of the semester.
Sometimes I wish I was better so he didn't have to hide me from his friends who expected more. Sometimes I wish his friends didn't matter so he didn't have to be placed in difficult predicaments.
They say, "denial" isn't only a river in Egypt and I feel like I've been living in it for the past year. I know that he doesn't love me anymore. That the camping trips, the movie nights, the morning intimacies are all but a thing in the past.
Sometimes I wish you could choose the people you love.
