Music: -
I woke this morning to the bright sunlight glaring through my half-opened blinds.
My head spun a little and neck ached from the awkward way I had fallen asleep. Covered with lazy thoughts of my dreams, I thought of the people that I had seen in my subconscious. The part of my mind that never seems to want to rest.
There was him. I've always had dreams of him since we broke up. My dreams are like his playground. While I suppress thoughts of him during the day and occupy myself with friends and school work, he resurfaces when it is dark and quiet and I am alone. It's hard to remember him after I've awaken but I feel him linger as I rub my eyes open.
He's not quite as alive as he is in my head.
The semester is quickly coming to a close and I find myself so much more alone as the holidays come closer. Finding your place and a new family is tough in this place where dreams are bigger. I just need to dream bigger.
I don't think I'm that upset anymore. I've had good laughs and good people in my life this term and I think it will be okay.
I think I will wrap up my past and visit them every now and then, whenever I miss him. It's a little sad that I don't remember the details as much anymore. Seeing him always surprises him. Just noticing subtle things about him that I never knew was there before.
I have a feeling a little part of me will always miss him. I know how people tell you to let all of it go and move on with your life but I am moving on.
On another note, my body hates the life out of me because I decided to push it so hard in the gym yesterday. As a result, every single muscle in me aches so bad and I am topped with a cold.
Miserable. So miserable. I need break to be here now.
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Sometimes I post on this meaningless space with the deepest hopes that you might come across it again and read about how much you still mean to me.
I don't admit that we were the perfect couple, with years worth of memories and a love that of Jack and Rose from the Titanic.
For the most of it, we were dysfunctional. We were hurtful and we were reckless. I was careless with my feelings and you were just the same with them. There was a problem in everything that we'd done. Even when we were together, you were unhappy. When we weren't, I was not.
The equation was unbalanced and there was no possible way in us finding that balance.
But you were the one person that has ever made me feel both certain and uncertain at the same time. You take a step towards me and it makes me want to run yet stay at the same time.
You said, "It was never about not having enough love."
Maybe there was just too much?
I wonder if we'll have the chance to make things right again. I keep praying that maybe, just maybe, 10 years from now, we'd cross paths at a wedding reception of a mutual friend. We'll introduce each other to our plus ones and you'll secretly think about how beautiful I look in my dress and I'll think about how handsome you've always looked when you decide to dress up.
We'll share champagnes and maybe a couple of dances together. You'll talk about how law school has been and I'll share of my travels to Africa and Turkey with you.
And when the night slows down and wraps up, you'd say goodbye by pressing a small kiss on the side of my face and ask me out to coffee one week later. I would find myself swept away again by your charm and humor and we'd talk about books and politics. About cultures, food and people.
I would ask about your family, your mom and sisters and brothers. We'd spend the entire the afternoon together, without the pressures of time or responsibilities.
Maybe in another time, maybe in another life, we could make it right. We could make it beautiful and lasting.
Maybe we'd fall in love again.
