Music: Breathe Me - Sia
After an entire semester's worth of fighting with the world and with myself, I've reached the end.
They say, there are five stages of grief.
Denial
In the first few conversations Brian and I had after breaking up, he'd told me that maybe this wasn't permanent. Maybe this was just a temporary measure to gauge our personalities and our lives, and the very important element of space that was so critical in his life.
And so I've accepted that. Accepted the impermanence of the entire situation. That there was no way, after everything we'd been through, after the year's worth of walking away only to be chased back. After the tears from not only me but him too. After the fights and compromises. After the long-distances and separation. After all of it, there's no way this break up could be real. Not yet, at least.
Anger
Brian went to Lake Powell in October. It was his first huge event as Social chair for his fraternity and it was all he could talk to me about over the summer. He told me that we'd have a great semester together and I'd picture it just as he had said it. He said that I'd get to know all his friends and that he'd have a drawer in his room specifically for my things. He was willing and was going to share that much of his life with me.
I returned from Philadelphia late on a Monday afternoon. I found myself wandering through Denver's international airport when I noticed a missed call from him. I thought that this was it. He hadn't heard from me all weekend and he's finally missing me! My heart leapt when he answered the phone. I bet he wanted to meet up. For coffee at least.
The conversation was nowhere close to what I had anticipated. In the next few weeks, I had to hear about him and his new found "friend". A new girl who had just recently pledged my sorority. A girl he had met on his trip to Lake Powell.
I can't remember the number of hate texts I had sent him after all of that. The blurry nights that ended with pages worth of texts, telling him how much I hated him. I was angry at him and at myself. I was angry that I had allowed myself to sink to this level once again.
Bargaining
I remember it being a Thursday night and the party started and ended early. It was me, my roommates Linc and Shiv, and one other friend of theirs. We had been hanging out, playing drinking games and by the time it was 11:30 p.m., we were dry. I'd been losing all night so I suppose I'd been drinking most of it.
I had crawled slowly into bed and punched in Brian's familiar numbers. I didn't want anything out of him except for a warm familiar body to sleep and wake up to. Miraculously, he answered. He'd been out drinking too and I'd told him exactly what I'd wanted. Shallow simplicity, driven by the moment.
He didn't make it over and I'd woken up thankful.
That was only one of the million of times I'd bargained with him and with myself. Setting up terms because I thought I didn't deserve better. I knew I would hate myself for it after because that wasn't what I wanted but I did it anyways.
I would've given up a lot more of myself for just a little bit of him.
Depression
It was a night just like this one. I had chosen some solemn indie artist to listen to and I had dimmed the lights in my room so I could gather my thoughts from the day together and piece my post.
Unfortunately however, I had decided to flip through my planner from the year as well as my archives and realized that my life so far has been littered with traces of him. I pulled up photographs from our times together. Dates that I had circled because they were important to me. Meetings I had canceled because I wanted to be in his apartment at that time to watch South Park or the Colbert Report.
Then there was this one picture of him. It wasn't even a real picture, but a snapshot of our first Skype session after he had bought his first webcam that was for me. He had worn a recognizable baseball shirt, his white hat and a small smile. His eyes were bold and bright and I was looking right into them. I'd captured the moment and him as the person I'd loved.
I stumbled upon the picture and was caught off guard. I pressed my hands against my mouth to keep from making a sound while the tears poured uncontrollably. My throat tightened and my heart sank so deep inside of me I was sure I had lost it for good this time.
I looked away from my computer, unable to look at him staring out of my screen. There were a dozen thoughts that raced through my head but I was only able to say one thing: Brian.
I crossed both my arms across my chest and hugged myself as the pain washed all over me again. I had been playing strong for a long time but that night, in the solitary confinement of my four walls, I was stripped bare of the shells and I cried.
I cried til I couldn't breathe. Until I was finally exhausted and not even remembering falling asleep.
Acceptance
Two days ago, I did my normal habit of logging on to Facebook and visiting his page because I still wanted to feel like I was a part of his life. Like I'm still of some importance to him. Like I wasn't just wiped out, easily dispensable and utterly meaningless.
I've known about her for a while now. I know that Brian had taken her to formal and that that usually means that they weren't "just friends". I've not been as bothered about this girl as I was the last. She isn't even that pretty, to be honest.
I clicked around more and came across pictures from her formal. She had taken him as her date. So it was a little more than that, seeing as he did have to travel some amount to be with her. In the pictures, he had his hands tight around her waist and his face buried in her neck. They were dancing. He was smiling. They were having fun.
I felt the same heart wrenching feeling but this time, I didn't cry or lose control or scream. I stared at it, processed it and proceeded to delete him and blocked her from my Facebook. I've decided that what I don't know, won't kill me.
I've accepted that Brian did not mean permanence, as much as I'd hoped for. I've accepted that this ending, despite all the other endings we've had, is real. That he isn't going to return. That this love was short-lived and that I'm no longer his muse.
I've accepted that Brian is nothing but a living memory.
They say there are five stages of grief and they all look different on everybody.
