Music: -
In about 2 hours, I will be forced to confront my fears once again.
I've never been good at it. Never really been good at handling my own feelings, at taking charge of myself and of putting a foot down. I've never been good at walking away.
It's always been easier for me to watch people step out of my life and I've gotten so used to it at this point that my body knows how to react or deal with it.
Right now though, I'm forced to be in this predicament, where I know your absence will be better for me yet I also know you're not leaving anytime soon. So for the sake of self-preservation, I have to fight for myself. I have to be the one taking the action, not suffering the repercussions. I don't know if I can do it.
You have no idea how torn I feel right now. And afraid. I'm afraid of so many things. Afraid of getting back to the routine of sleeping alone, not being able to share the little joys in a day with someone else, not having that familiar scent or feel or smile when I see you.
I don't even know if I love you or if you were just an excuse for success because I had such a failed and miserable relationship in the past.
Truly though, I know that once I do this, I can't take it back.
