It's Easter Sunday and somehow holidays here are more about family than the actual reason for the celebration.
It's also cloudy and dull outside and it makes me miss home and the sun. Spring is a tease, where some trees have burst into colors while others are still boring stick-ly figures outside my window.
I find myself in difficult predicaments, where emotions of sorts just washes over me, rendering me helpless and most often, very much confused. The only form of therapeutic action I know is to play a mellow song and form my sorrows into words.
I feel like all I ever do is apologize for a multitude of things. I'm constantly saying sorry for my actions and decisions. I wonder if people are tired of hearing my pathetic apologies? They probably are and once again, I'm sorry for that.
I survived the weekend away from him in the worst possible way. Sometimes I don't understand myself. Lie. I don't understand myself most of the time. I woke up this morning and video called a person I was never supposed to ever have contact with. I spent a good half hour just lazing on the couch talking to him about the past, the present, the future. It wasn't at all painful or rude or hurtful, like how it would've been before. It was strangely familiar.
I'm starting to wonder if this is just my track to throwing everything I have away. The very little amount of substance I do have in my relationship I'm taking for granted. Some days I try making it look bigger, like there is something real between us but right this moment, I see us hanging by a thin thread. So fragile.
For once, I'm willing to take the blame for it. I don't think I'm able to sustain a functional relationship...ever. God, what is wrong with me? I know I do really care about him and I want this to work so so badly but I feel like I mess up a lot.
I suppose my Sunday will consist of homework and other real obligations. I just want summer to be here already.
This kid, sigh.