Music: -
It almost feels like my heart was being brutally ripped out of my chest by savages that know no mercy, compassion or feelings.
I know I'm not supposed to do it. Or think. Or even feel. But it is kinda hard, don't you think?
In the past 10 minutes, I've just discovered that everything I believed and thought to be true and real to me, isn't.
It's like a huge slap in the face, only this one took whatever sensations I have in my heart with me.
So the past 1 year has just been one big booty call adventure?
I want to hate you, I do. I want to hate your guts. I want to hate your core. I want to hate every single living fiber in you. The ground you walk on and the air you breathe. I want to hate your eyes, your fingers, your lips. I want to hate you so much that it obliterates you from my life; from my memory.
But I can't, can I?
Because you have gotten me wrapped around your finger and fooled. Because you made me fall in love with you.
It wasn't just the dark sleepless nights for me. It wasn't just the drunk misdemeanors. No, baby. I fell in love with you. I fell in love with all of you. I fell in love with your quirky habits. I fell in love with the moments where you freaked out. I fell in love with the way you read, sang, joked. I fell in love with you.
Maybe you're scared of that. But imagine me? I'm terrified of the thought. I wish I didn't know how to love because when you don't know, it's so much easier on you. You don't know what it's like to have the little nagging voice at the back of your head. You wouldn't know how to care. You wouldn't have to compromise yourself. And the best part of not knowing how to love? You wouldn't have to walk around feeling like you've lost a part of yourself.
I really want to believe that I didn't lose a year of my life to someone who didn't even remotely feel the same way back. But tonight, the truth is staring blatantly at my face. Like a dead body who isn't going to come back to life. It doesn't matter how much I cry or scream or plead or write: you never loved me.
It's like diving head first into icy waters but not feeling the burn. It's like crying but the tears don't relieve any pain at all.
It's a sobering thought. A reality check.
It's being vulnerable and getting hurt all over again. And no matter how many times I go through it, it doesn't hurt any less.
So I'm putting my walls back up and please, if you're reading this, whoever you are, don't hurt me anymore.
I have nothing more of myself to give. I'm terribly broken and sad and I have no one to blame but myself.
---
How could you?
How could you fucking do it? Are you not human at all? Do you have no morality or ethics? Let's not even start with emotions.
Tell me, how could you have fucking done it?
---
How? How did everything get so screwed up?
