Music: Nothing - The Script
Remember November 10, 2011.
Like every other important date in my life. June 18, 1990. My birthday. May 13, 2011. The first time I found myself in a relationship with a person I loved. August 30, 2011. The date he realized I wasn't worth any more of his time or effort or love.
November 10, 2011.
The date I walked away from that same love because it's killing me inside. In the months that passed after he was done with me, I kept retracing the steps leading up to that day.
It's funny because it started with me just wanting him to fix my dresser for me. I just needed a little man in my life to put the funny bolts together. For some reason, that led to him saying the words that would put me in a rut, on a cold bench, on a windy night.
Honestly, I can hardly remember my semester. In between blacked out nights and waking up to strangers and being late for classes and looking for jobs, the thing that felt the clearest to me was still him and how stuck I was in the past. The past that seemed so much more happier and composed and together than my present life.
In many ways, you kept me together and sane. And in many others as well, you drove me crazy and out of control. You damaged me and made me hurt myself with every day that I had to spend with you.
But today, I sit across from you while you ignorantly talk about yourself and your friends. Can't you tell that I was breaking inside? Couldn't you tell by the way I looked away from your eyes because I would have just crumbled in public?
No. Because the world revolves around you. And like you said, you always get what you want. True. I've always given you what you wanted but I'm finished.
I thought by doing that you'd realize how much I loved you. I gave you so much of my life, of my person because I love you. It was a gift, not a right.
I don't know I had the absurd thought that if I gave all I could and had, you would love me too?
November 10, 2011.
I realize that if our roles were switched that Halloween night, if I was the one passed out drunk outside of the stadium with you, you wouldn't have stayed. You wouldn't have held me and made sure I was safe. You would've left.
I am in tears writing this post because I had so much more respect and admiration for you. I'm crying because you were not the man I thought you were.
I'm sad and crying and so broken hearted because I realize, I don't know you at all.
