Weekend excursions.
Walking back from a heavy Monday, I had my headphones plugged in to Nicki Minaj's hypnotic vocals and the cool breeze of the night.
I had my intentions set on writing yet another semi-sad post when I got back. I was upset and frustrated that my plans to write my paper in the library fell through and I was forced to go home. I'd decided that I would still be productive and so I cleaned my dining table that was still covered in spilled liquor and lime wedges to create space for myself.
I hadn't said much to any of my roommates. I didn't know what I was really feeling. I wanted to be alone but with people at the same time.
I'm getting very used to ignoring people and being alone. I'm getting used to not needing anyone in my life and I suppose that's one level of independence I've learned this year. I've been blessed to have had accommodating roommates last year who have now turned into such great friends but this year, I'm realizing what it's like to really build a life for my own self.
I think I'm finally feeling what it's like to live for yourself. I eat whenever I want and then I don't eat whenever I don't want to. I get dressed up for no one in particular and I shop whenever I want to. I browse the stores alone and talk to people at the bus stop. I lose myself in my music and smile at boys that pass me by. I sit in my room and light my candles and I write. Here. For you, whoever you are.
I haven't felt this kind of liberation in a while. Remember when I said I had lost myself being with Brian. Well, being without him now, I'm slowly piecing myself back together. I'm writing a lot more and not just writing sappy crap, but actual details about myself.
I sit cross legged at dinner tables and on my bed. I smoke cigarettes in the cold until I cannot feel my fingers. I listen to more acoustic music than anything else in the world. I am an adrenaline junkie. I am afraid of nothing but myself. I am not blonde or the blue eyed beauty you are looking for. I am not a size 0 with legs that go on forever. I read too much into things and think about the future a lot. I am always 2 steps ahead of myself and I take on more than I can handle.
I cry too much and drink too much. I have no reservations in getting up on stage and dancing for you. I will sing out loud in the car even if it's my first time meeting you. One of my favorite feeling's in the entire world is having arms wrapped around me whether I'm asleep or awake. I will jump off cliffs and airplanes in a heart beat. I will also sit in a dark room and watch movies about drug addicts and war victims with you.
I love with too much passion. Yet, I cheat. I love the attention, just like everybody else. I lie too often but I never steal anything except for ideas. I never tire from runs or walks. My body keeps going as long as my mind tells it too. The marks on my skin all tell a different story and I've never once told anybody what they really mean.
I hate gifts that come in ribbons. Flowers that come in bouquets. Carve on a pebble for me or tie me wild flowers from your backyard. Send me a handwritten note. I am impatient and I am not witty. I like being sarcastically funny. I talk to myself and sometimes, I stutter.
If you choose to love me, you will have to love all my complexities as well as simplicities. I'm not prepared to lose myself to anyone else again. Gathering them back, figuring it out and living with it has been one of the hardest things I've had to do this year.
I am going to be honest with you that I come with baggage. I come with scars and wounds from all the previous battles I've had to fight in my past. Some of them show but the ones that don't hurt the most. I've gotten awfully good at hiding them, like everyone else has. But just because you don't see it, doesn't mean it's not there.
But if you peel away the layers and the walls, maybe you'll find a simple girl and a simple heart that wants to love you back too.