Music: Back To December - Taylor Swift
I had always thought that returning back to school this year would be so much easier than my first year. When I boarded the plane a year ago in August, I had dangled from the phone until the very last minute, holding to Aaron and holding on to familiarity. I wasn't excited at all to be in Colorado.
Coming back this year was a different experience. I could barely wait to sit through the arduous 20 hour plane ride and count down the days until I was back again with Brian since we had spent the summer apart.
For some reason, I had envisioned this semester to be stable. I assumed that I would have Brian for Thanksgiving. Maybe I would have had the chance to spend it with his family again since I have none here. Maybe we'd have another road trip together again since we had such a good time from the last time.
I just thought that this term would be more concrete.
But sometimes things don't turn out the way you want them to. I lost my boyfriend within the first two weeks of school and spent the next two months trying to figure out how to fill that sudden gaping hole in my life. While most kids were excited to be reunited with friends, I was struggling to find company and friends who would sit with me and watch me cry my eyes out.
I'd decided to take the painful choice of sifting through my old posts from the summer and type this in his shirt. I want so badly to say that none of these things matter in my life anymore. Like he was as easily dispensable as I was but I can't.
I've done it all. I've burned pictures, I've cut up pictures. I've put things in boxes. I've sent hate texts. Drunk texts. Sorry texts. Voice mails. Spent half of my paychecks on drinks I couldn't hold in. Lost my voice from smoking cigarettes. Went on a dozen runs in efforts of clearing my head. Went on worthless dates. Went home with dates just because I didn't want to wake up alone.
There's about 2 weeks left in the semester and I feel like I'm still stuck on the night Brian left me. Sometimes, he's the first thing on my mind when I wake up. I bring him up in conversations when nobody wants to hear about it.
And then there's C that I've gotten to know a lot better in the past few days. I'm afraid and confused at the same time and I just wish someone would give me an answer.
I'm afraid that I've built my walls a little more higher this time. I've done things in the recent months that I never ever thought I'd do. Heinous cold actions that I'm scared of.
What if this break up has just made me colder? If C had been there first before Brian and if I didn't have to hurt so much, would I be this hesitant? I don't think so.
Everyone's been nudging me to move on and move past Brian and I am. I don't cry because I want him back now. I just cry because I'm still in love with us and with whatever we had in the past. What if I'll forever be in love with that. What if I can't ever love another person the way I had loved Brian?
C is alluring and exciting and unpredictable. We make each other laugh and he's there with me on late nights when I cannot shake the memory of Brian out of my head. But if I can't even give this the tiny chance it deserves, how am I supposed to give anyone else a chance?
I'm not asking for a relationship, not at all. I just want the assurance in myself that I can open up again and I can trust again.
I just want to know that I can fall in love again.
