Music: I Would Do Anything For You - Foster The People
Winter this year came early and my empty apartment seems a lot colder tonight.
I am in the midst of writing an overdue article but my mind is not in it the slightest bit. My room is once again messy with clothes and books and I don't know when I'll have the time to clean it up again.
In the difficult task of juggling my life with school, the sorority and my sanity, I find myself wanting to sleep more than doing anything else. I hate facing the world these days because my world has been so clouded with you. It's like a permanent haunting I cannot escape.
Some days, I am more angry at myself than with anyone else. I really did wish it wasn't in my character to be so forgiving. I wish I had more spite in me and that I held grudges like every other normal human being does.
Because if I had a little bit more of that, a little bit more dignity in me, I would have left you in the cold. I wouldn't have piled sweaters on top of you to make sure you were warm. I wouldn't have let you sleep on me til I couldn't feel my legs. I wouldn't have sat there listening to your drunk mumbles about wanting me to stay, about wanting to die, about not having a career or a future.
What I should have done was called the cops on you because you are none of business anymore, are you?
But I didn't. I stayed outside with you and assured you that you'd be fine when you kept calling out for help. I responded to your incoherent fears about being in trouble and losing your job and all the other things that scare you.
And after I had walked with you and left you in good hands, I had to find myself walking in the cold at 3 a.m. with barely anything but your light flannel and wanting nothing other than to wrap my arms around you.
I know you're good at building walls and only utilizing people when you need to but I wanted you to know that I see right through you. When I called you a coward, this was exactly what I was referring to. I don't claim to know you because maybe you don't even know yourself.
But I know you enough to have seen you in when you're on your own. I know how stubborn you are. How impatient you can get. How easy you panic sometimes. How driven you are for certain things.
I know that you have 3 different types of smiles: one for when you want something, another for when you know you've done something wrong and want to get out of trouble for it, and the last one, for when you're genuinely happy.
I mean it when I say they don't know you like I do.
But the problem here is that they mean a lot more to you than me. I'm not fighting for this love anymore because it gets exhausting loving a person who can't figure themselves out yet.
If you realize, at some point in your life, that you do love me, then just come back. I want to promise you that I'll be there but nobody can give us that guarantee in life, can they?
So now, despite how much I still love you, I'm letting you go and if God sees it fit, then we'll find a way to cross paths again.
I'm leaving; hoping that we'll be a "see you again" but knowing that we could be a "goodbye".
